A Bumpy Ride

-By guest blogger Uma

   A sequel to “Are you happily married?” 

(These two pieces were given as speeches at Toastmasters meetings)

Since Yash gave a cinematic presentation of our arranged marriage, I figured I will share my version of our marriage beyond the beginning. Obviously our parents thought of us being a good match for each other, but little did they and we knew how different we were in terms of our personalities and communication styles.

Personality characteristics influence our communication styles.  Yash, having a supportive and an easy-going style, was more accepting of my differences than I was of his. He is more sociable, spontaneous, fun-loving, free-spirited, very enthusiastic about trying new things, likes a relaxed, no tension environment and avoids conflict. Contrast this with my direct and analytical communication style, being very goal-oriented, purposeful, organized, and focused on getting things done. I could not understand why Yash wasn’t thrilled about us planning and organizing every detail of our lives to make it a smooth sail. Shouldn’t he be thankful to me for bringing some order and purpose into his life? 🙂  I would get very frustrated with him, and being the direct communicator that I was, I had no trouble expressing that to him. Being the supportive communicator that he was, with a tendency to avoid conflict, he would get quiet, which would only irritate me further.

In the first few months of us living together in Allentown, I would be in the apartment all day while Yash went to work. I was in a foreign land with only 1 or 2 brand new friends that he had introduced me to, who I could talk to on the phone. I did not know how to drive. I couldn’t call home and talk to my parents frequently because every minute cost about $4 while I wasn’t earning a penny. Being home alone all day, I would eagerly wait for him to come home. He would also come home in a good mood but seemed more eager to watch “Cheers” and Three’s company” than to spend time talking with me. Obviously he wanted me to sit and watch the shows with him, but I had no interest in them because they were so foreign to me. My direct style of expressing frustration didn’t sit very well with his fun-loving and conflict-avoidance style.

On top of these individual differences, there are gender-based differences in conversational styles. Remember, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus? 🙂  Once we went to a jewelry store to buy something for his mother. I pointed out some pieces that I thought looked good. We bought something for his mother and returned home. I bet the men don’t see anything wrong in this picture, but the women can see it crystal clear, right ladies? Offering to buy me something would’ve showed me that he thought and cared about me. Never mind all the other ways he showed me that. Of course, that was not the time to use my direct communication. I let it brew for a little while until it exploded, and poor Yash had no clue what it was all about. If I wanted something, I should’ve bought it. That’s all there is to it, as far as he was concerned.

Our natural tendency in communication is to use our own style. But if we want to be effective partners, we need to adapt our style to that of the other person. Putting the relationship first makes it a little easier to deal with the differences. With much trial and error, we came to understand and accept our different styles. We learned to make allowances rather than taking the disparities personally. Now when he gets home we watch 1 or 2 shows together, and I plan to do some “spontaneous activities” together.  Once in a while Yash takes the initiative and makes to-do lists which makes me happy, and every time I make a passing comment about liking something in a store, I have to literally hold him back from buying it for me.

 I wish I did this analysis of our communication styles about 30 years ago; our marriage would have been a less bumpy ride.

 

 

Author: Yash

I immigrated to the US in 1983 from India. I feel that I have been here long enough to not be called FOB (Fresh-off-the-Boat) by my kids. But I guess they seem to have some other standards which involve pronouncing words like "Vote" ,"Vending" and "Video" properly - which I guess I will never achieve (because of my 21 years in India) - so, I am going to pass myself as that Indian with an "exotic" accent!! My interests : WRITING - Just realized that most of my work so far has been Nostalgia-centric. I enjoy this genre and feel it's an un-ending well that I can draw from. As a matter of fact, this right here is fresh nostalgia for 10 years down the road!! (-: GOLF - I am terrible at it and it's a damn frustrating game, but I still love it ("painful pleasure"). One of these days I will actually take lessons so that I wont embarrass myself too much on the golf course. As long as there are golf courses around here (with low standards) that would allow me to play - I will play and enjoy golf!! STAND-UP - I have started dabbling (performing) in stand-up comedy recently and am loving the feedback I have been getting! I am going to attribute this newfound hobby to mid-life crisis! :-) (as an alternative to a toupee or a red sports car or a girlfriend-on-the-side!!). Here's clip of my very first performance on April 14th 2019: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScMLgRAGyNs&feature=youtu.be MUSIC - I am a huge fan of Shakti (John McLaughlin, Zakir Hussain, Vinayakram, L.Shankar) as well as their later avatar - "Remember Shakti" (John McLaughlin, Zakir Hussain, Selva Ganesh, Mandolin Sreenivas, Shankar Mahadevan). Thoroughly enjoyed the two live concerts that I attended of this fusion group. I enjoy Hindustani and Carnatic classical instrumental music. YOUTUBE - YouTube has an unbelievable amount of entertainment from which you can draw your specific narrow niche!! In my case - these areas happen to be - street foods from various parts of the world, Indian classical music, debates about religion & belief, Indian Classical Music played by non Indian (e.g. Ukrainians doing wonderful Bharatanatyam, a French lady performing amazingly in a Carnatic Concert, a Chinese lady teaching Bharatanatyam in China etc.)

4 thoughts on “A Bumpy Ride”

  1. Uma, your narration is very interesting and impressive. It reveals your knowledge of psychology.
    You need not regret that had the project been taken three decades ago, your sail of life could have been saved from certain bumps! You can feel contended and confident that the project of you people may prove beneficial to the new couples of today or tomorrow. They would be grateful to you people.

  2. Hi Uma and Yash
    It was so sweet to read your frank blog on early attempts at communication. My experience has been a lot bumpier and after 3 decades has erupted and shattered with no humour or communication. I love the fact that there is so much love and care and respect from both of you that such ‘airings’ are safe and part of ongoing communications. lots of love for sharing your bumpy ride in such good company

    1. Hi Deepa,
      We appreciate your thoughtful feedback. It is a fair assumption that both parties involved in a marriage put much effort to make it work and unfortunately sometimes endure lot of pain in the process. Obviously the continuity of a marriage is based on lot more than communication. Uma conveniently simplified the issues to make it work for her Toastmasters speech project (which had a time limit of 6 mins).

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